I've Moved

Come check out my new blog.

The pics a link, aren't I so smart :)

Years Before

Well its finally here. The summer of '09 is here. We are officially out of school for the year.

I thought I would be thrilled. But right now I'm just kinda bummed. Things just didn't end like years before. Normally you spend all day like debating wether or not you should do something, then kick your self for not doing it. I didn't do that this year. I know, I know, pick your jaw up from the floor. I felt no need to do anything really. I just want to get up north and escape this town for a little while. I want to get back to myself. I've just been seeing myself slip more and more away. I just need to get up there and put all this Freshman Year drama out of my mind until our high school reunion in 20 years, by then all this shit will seem like breaking a nail. Up North hopefully I will find my reset button. I also need time just to unwind. I've just been so worried that something else is going to be thrown at me to deal with. I already had to deal with my dad going to the nut house. It doesn't help that we can no longer make plans that are a month away do to the fact that things happen in our family that can make you feel like a turtle stuck on its back in a plastic tube with a 7 year old looking down on you.

On a happyish note, Adam's letting me shave his head on Friday. It's really considered tomorrow but I don't care. I feel bad though because I didn't/haven't invited Joe. And he's really been there for me lately but I really want Evona to be able to come. It's so hard to pick between people!

Hopefully my grandma's new neighbor boys are cute. I hope there not fat ugly hobo type guys. That would be a total let down, Nessa and I will like die if we get up there and they're belly button itchers. I hope driver's Ed goes good up there. I've so nerves about it. I really want to meet new people, it's like worrying about going to a new school. Well kind of is like going to a new school. I'll have to ask Sara about the people there. I don't know if I should mention that shes my cousin what if she has a horrible reputation there and I have like shunned or worse teased beyond end.

I need to be a nerd when I get up there and go to the library there's a new authur I want to check out. She looks pretty good so I want to get back to reading I think thats another reason that I'm so different lately I stopped reading.

Oh well I don't feel like writing anymore, I'm playing 20 questions with Michael, shhh don't tell my ideas mascara he'll never get it. :)

~Natalie

In my last post who know how long ago, I told someone to pinch me. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I want to a have talk with the little fucker who actually did. Because I woke up and now its hell. You can't even tell that we even knew each other. And the hardest part, the part that drives me over the edge on this whole thing, the part that ticks away at me, its that its all I can think about. I hate to talk about it cuz I don't want people to know that what I think about cuz its been like 3 weeks and I need to just get over it. But its so hard. He cut me off cold turkey. Okay maybe not cuz there were those 3 weeks were he must have been easing me off him, preparing me for that Sunday morning that he make a big fuckin mark on how I'll remember Freshman year. I'm pretty much over it, there's just so many unanswered questions and its like were dead to each other. Like we can feel each others presents but we would feel crazy actually talking to each other. I lost a best friend and it kills me to see him alone. I just wish I could read his mind. I know it sounds stupid and self centered but I sometimes wonder if he a) feels guilty for doing it or b) regrets breaking up with me. I know they're both totally not possible. I just miss him sometimes... like when I look over and he's standing all along like at time where he used to be over with me with his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder. Over the hug and accessional kiss goodbye. I'm a crazy stalker...I know I have problems. I have counted 3 times where I have actually bit my tongue from trying to talk to him. I think I'm just scared of being rejected by him again. I don't think I could keep a happy face if he didn't talk back. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I miss those nights where he held me tight and me both let out a breath as who ever came to check on us left, then fell on to each other smiling about how close we came to being caught. I have come to the conclusion that after I've thought about all the memories at least once then I will be over him... I've got a long ways to go. I know I'm going on about this but this is my way of venting what I've been thinking about and if you have a problem then just click a link and don't read this anymore.

I'm crazy. I'm a stalker. I notice things I shouldn't. I hear conversations I shouldn't. I answer questions that I shouldn't. I do tons of little stupid things I shouldn't. I'm finding my self becoming a bitch that is very bitchy. I have high highs and low lows. I can be all jumpy and happy then I remember somthing I messed up or jacked up or notice something that reminds me of him and then I'll bitch you out if you fuck with me. I'm also like super jumpy. Like a little noises and actions, my head with flash in that direction.  I'm changing all the time.

I gave up eating anything with a sugar content <6.>

We go a hamster. Its a robot dwarf. My brother named it Cynthia. Its cute.

I'm getting tiered and starting to write 4 wrote sentences so I'm ganna bring this to a close. Night.

Lately

Omg, pinch me. Seriously. Like everyday seems like its a dream! Everything thats been happening lately. Okay so not everything. I could make a really long list of things that I wish weren't happening. And when I think of that I get a little down and wish I could fully fix that. ANYWAY finally being with Trevor is like ahhhh. 3 months ago if you had asked me if I ever thought that I would be hiding in the laundry room with Trevor 'helping him find his shoes' I would ask you if you hit your head. I would say that actually being with Trevor was only ever going to happen in my dreams.  But now ahhhh. :) :) :)

But its hard to balance things sometimes between him and my friends. At first we were having people hang out with us but now its just been the two of us. (and at least one parent, not that my mom cares...well yea she does but like not like shes ganna make us sit of opposite sides of the couch) Idk much about it but Bail seems to only hangout with Cody and I don't want to be like that. I want to have like more good friends that I hang out with then Trevor. It scares the carp out of me to imagine a life where he was my only close friend. That would be freaky, I love my friends and the would get annoying. 

And I could have done with out one of my best friends telling me she likes me boyfriend and then like 2 weeks later of me going out him, saying (in a way) that she still liked him. 

But man I love like the people I've meet being in Geo and I have come to love running (most the time) I miss last semester not that I really remember most of it but like the flow it had and the idk homieness it had idk it was more IDK it was just so different. I have also only found myself only getting on the computer like 4 times a week TOTAL. Its really weird. But like its normal. On Friday and Saturday nights its like duh I'm not ganna get on and then Sundays go by REALLY so slow. My mom was teaseing me today she was like omg are you going to live your ganna go a whole day with out seeing each other. I'm like har diddy har har your soooo funny. Then she makes fun of me for how much me and Trevor are touch or holding hand and I was like whatever your just jealous and if dad did touch you, you would be like 'are you ok? did you take your meds' she stopped lol mean I know but it worked. 

I just got contacts :) yay! I know lol. I went back today for my follow up thing and that guy could like careless so it was fast i was like SWEET. and I got my years worth. Omg Sat. night my contact fell out in the laundry room, it hit the floor lol Trevor had to find it. The was right after our parents realized they could see us in the reflection of a picture. But I don't think they could see us the whole time cuz we had moved and then they were like 'how does he still not have his shoes on. Heyy look we can see them. You two know we can see your every move' awesome times lol. I had to go put my grey glasses on. And the night continued...lol

 

OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT NEXT WEEKEND LEADS TO SPRING BREAKE! YESSSSSSS!!! OMG THAT AWESOME! OMG I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!!

Kk well I have to go to bed or I'll be crabby. Its this new habit I have developed going to be before 11. Its freaky... almost scary.  Like live changing almost... on weeknights lol. 

Adios

Hasta se habla de nuevo.

Want

I don't know what it is this winter but I am dying to go up north. Normally I don't get this restless until the end of May but this year I just want to see that lake so bad!

I want see the sun set on it. I want to be in the water tying to swim and touch the bottom before Zach. I want to be in the kayak going up river from one grandma's house to the other. I want to riding shot gun with my arm out the window on my way to the gas station to pick up worms to go fishing. I want to be in the pontoon boat watching my brother have the time of his life steering. I want to be sitting on the beach with ALL of my family and listening to the local singer 'famous' singer who my mom dated in high school. I want to be on the paddle boat with Jake and Nessa arguing wither or not to go on the other side of the island. I want to be walking out side The Kingston after a moive with Zach and Nessa waiting for our ride home and seeing at least 2 other cousins drive or walk by. I want to be standing on the dock with my cousin daring each other to jump in to the freezing river water in early June. I want to be hitting 55 on the wave runner in the middle of the lake after we noticed that we didn't have much gas left. I want to hear everyone laugh as Aunt Shirley pulls in the driveway up the hill just as we are about to push off the dock in the boat. I want to be on Memeres dock at 1 AM, diving into the water warm from the summer sun. I want to be sitting on the deck with Nessa as we paint our toe nails wild colors. I want to be running on the beach while at the park looking at the bridge across Lake Huron. I want to be dreaming with Zach as we ride out bikes to the middle of no where yet ride in town. I want to be crying out of laughter with Jake as we try and sit on the burning hot leather of the wave runner. I want to lying with Zach and Jake as we die laughing over Nessa's sleep talking. I want to be jam packed in the car with Brandon, Zach, Jake, Nessa, and GG plus all our bags for 4 and a half hours on the day after school gets out. I want to I want to just see mile marker 313. I just want to see that Cheyboygan County sign. 

Why...?

why does it have to be like this?

why does it have  to be that same everyday?

why can it be NORMAL...

why can't it be like a fairy tale?

why can't it be like a fictional book?

why is it so HARD...

why isn't it a simple yes or no?

why isn't it easy to figure out?

why should it be EASY...

why shouldn't it be like everything else?

why shouldn't it be something different everyday?

Why...

As Dornfeld says emotional problems aren't a part a science. If it can't be solved using one of your five senses then its not science. I wish it was, I wish there was just some equation to memorize or formula or phrase or order that you could just use to solve EVERYTHING. Something that could fix ANY problem, any conflict, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. But there isn't... so were stuck with the Who, What, Where, When, and Why questions. 

Today

So today I went with my brother to his friends B-day party at Micky D's and I went to the back of the restaurant area and used there high-speed and played this pictionary game with erin online. It was pretty cool. My brother keep running out to tell me things liek ever 20 min even though each time he came out I told him not to come back out. It never works. 

After that we went to payless to look at boots and they only had TWO pair and one pair was expense and the other pair was ugly and expense. This freaky had to be gay sales man kinda followed us around talking, it was weird you could tell why we were the only people in the store. 

After that lol we went to Walmart. I found boots there :) I love them. Then we got part of my friends x-mas gifts. That took forever. Its always hard to pick. Then my mom got some fabric stuff and we got some pillows and we left. We were in there for like 3 hours my god it was a long time.

 Once we left there we went to my grandparents. My grandma had a few dresses she wanted me to look at that she had found. One was cute the other idk. Then she made us dinner and we watch the USC and UCLA football game at the Rose Bowl. That was a bad game lol. I didn't want it to close. I showing off my new boots and my brother showed off his new shoes and we talked about Christmas plans. I fell asleep on the ride home lol when we got home we watched House, Fringe, and My name is Earl that was on our weekly DVR made by my grandpa lol. 

Tomorrow/ Later today we get to put up the Christmas Decorations. YAY! not its always arguing cuz all the family is doing it together and my dad always gets on my nerves and then we start fighting so I think I'll just dance around and lift heavy thing when they need to be and change the radio every 5 seconds no one will notice that I'm not helping that much lol this all will happen after I get up at the lastest time I can before my mom comes in and sings RISE AND SHIN AND GIVE GOD YOUR GLORY GLORY. or they open the door and my brothers talking wakes me up, he NEVER shuts up. 

Ok well that about it

Natly