Lately

Omg, pinch me. Seriously. Like everyday seems like its a dream! Everything thats been happening lately. Okay so not everything. I could make a really long list of things that I wish weren't happening. And when I think of that I get a little down and wish I could fully fix that. ANYWAY finally being with Trevor is like ahhhh. 3 months ago if you had asked me if I ever thought that I would be hiding in the laundry room with Trevor 'helping him find his shoes' I would ask you if you hit your head. I would say that actually being with Trevor was only ever going to happen in my dreams.  But now ahhhh. :) :) :)

But its hard to balance things sometimes between him and my friends. At first we were having people hang out with us but now its just been the two of us. (and at least one parent, not that my mom cares...well yea she does but like not like shes ganna make us sit of opposite sides of the couch) Idk much about it but Bail seems to only hangout with Cody and I don't want to be like that. I want to have like more good friends that I hang out with then Trevor. It scares the carp out of me to imagine a life where he was my only close friend. That would be freaky, I love my friends and the would get annoying. 

And I could have done with out one of my best friends telling me she likes me boyfriend and then like 2 weeks later of me going out him, saying (in a way) that she still liked him. 

But man I love like the people I've meet being in Geo and I have come to love running (most the time) I miss last semester not that I really remember most of it but like the flow it had and the idk homieness it had idk it was more IDK it was just so different. I have also only found myself only getting on the computer like 4 times a week TOTAL. Its really weird. But like its normal. On Friday and Saturday nights its like duh I'm not ganna get on and then Sundays go by REALLY so slow. My mom was teaseing me today she was like omg are you going to live your ganna go a whole day with out seeing each other. I'm like har diddy har har your soooo funny. Then she makes fun of me for how much me and Trevor are touch or holding hand and I was like whatever your just jealous and if dad did touch you, you would be like 'are you ok? did you take your meds' she stopped lol mean I know but it worked. 

I just got contacts :) yay! I know lol. I went back today for my follow up thing and that guy could like careless so it was fast i was like SWEET. and I got my years worth. Omg Sat. night my contact fell out in the laundry room, it hit the floor lol Trevor had to find it. The was right after our parents realized they could see us in the reflection of a picture. But I don't think they could see us the whole time cuz we had moved and then they were like 'how does he still not have his shoes on. Heyy look we can see them. You two know we can see your every move' awesome times lol. I had to go put my grey glasses on. And the night continued...lol

 

OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT NEXT WEEKEND LEADS TO SPRING BREAKE! YESSSSSSS!!! OMG THAT AWESOME! OMG I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!!

Kk well I have to go to bed or I'll be crabby. Its this new habit I have developed going to be before 11. Its freaky... almost scary.  Like live changing almost... on weeknights lol. 

Adios

Hasta se habla de nuevo.

Want

I don't know what it is this winter but I am dying to go up north. Normally I don't get this restless until the end of May but this year I just want to see that lake so bad!

I want see the sun set on it. I want to be in the water tying to swim and touch the bottom before Zach. I want to be in the kayak going up river from one grandma's house to the other. I want to riding shot gun with my arm out the window on my way to the gas station to pick up worms to go fishing. I want to be in the pontoon boat watching my brother have the time of his life steering. I want to be sitting on the beach with ALL of my family and listening to the local singer 'famous' singer who my mom dated in high school. I want to be on the paddle boat with Jake and Nessa arguing wither or not to go on the other side of the island. I want to be walking out side The Kingston after a moive with Zach and Nessa waiting for our ride home and seeing at least 2 other cousins drive or walk by. I want to be standing on the dock with my cousin daring each other to jump in to the freezing river water in early June. I want to be hitting 55 on the wave runner in the middle of the lake after we noticed that we didn't have much gas left. I want to hear everyone laugh as Aunt Shirley pulls in the driveway up the hill just as we are about to push off the dock in the boat. I want to be on Memeres dock at 1 AM, diving into the water warm from the summer sun. I want to be sitting on the deck with Nessa as we paint our toe nails wild colors. I want to be running on the beach while at the park looking at the bridge across Lake Huron. I want to be dreaming with Zach as we ride out bikes to the middle of no where yet ride in town. I want to be crying out of laughter with Jake as we try and sit on the burning hot leather of the wave runner. I want to lying with Zach and Jake as we die laughing over Nessa's sleep talking. I want to be jam packed in the car with Brandon, Zach, Jake, Nessa, and GG plus all our bags for 4 and a half hours on the day after school gets out. I want to I want to just see mile marker 313. I just want to see that Cheyboygan County sign. 

Why...?

why does it have to be like this?

why does it have  to be that same everyday?

why can it be NORMAL...

why can't it be like a fairy tale?

why can't it be like a fictional book?

why is it so HARD...

why isn't it a simple yes or no?

why isn't it easy to figure out?

why should it be EASY...

why shouldn't it be like everything else?

why shouldn't it be something different everyday?

Why...

As Dornfeld says emotional problems aren't a part a science. If it can't be solved using one of your five senses then its not science. I wish it was, I wish there was just some equation to memorize or formula or phrase or order that you could just use to solve EVERYTHING. Something that could fix ANY problem, any conflict, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. But there isn't... so were stuck with the Who, What, Where, When, and Why questions. 

Today

So today I went with my brother to his friends B-day party at Micky D's and I went to the back of the restaurant area and used there high-speed and played this pictionary game with erin online. It was pretty cool. My brother keep running out to tell me things liek ever 20 min even though each time he came out I told him not to come back out. It never works. 

After that we went to payless to look at boots and they only had TWO pair and one pair was expense and the other pair was ugly and expense. This freaky had to be gay sales man kinda followed us around talking, it was weird you could tell why we were the only people in the store. 

After that lol we went to Walmart. I found boots there :) I love them. Then we got part of my friends x-mas gifts. That took forever. Its always hard to pick. Then my mom got some fabric stuff and we got some pillows and we left. We were in there for like 3 hours my god it was a long time.

 Once we left there we went to my grandparents. My grandma had a few dresses she wanted me to look at that she had found. One was cute the other idk. Then she made us dinner and we watch the USC and UCLA football game at the Rose Bowl. That was a bad game lol. I didn't want it to close. I showing off my new boots and my brother showed off his new shoes and we talked about Christmas plans. I fell asleep on the ride home lol when we got home we watched House, Fringe, and My name is Earl that was on our weekly DVR made by my grandpa lol. 

Tomorrow/ Later today we get to put up the Christmas Decorations. YAY! not its always arguing cuz all the family is doing it together and my dad always gets on my nerves and then we start fighting so I think I'll just dance around and lift heavy thing when they need to be and change the radio every 5 seconds no one will notice that I'm not helping that much lol this all will happen after I get up at the lastest time I can before my mom comes in and sings RISE AND SHIN AND GIVE GOD YOUR GLORY GLORY. or they open the door and my brothers talking wakes me up, he NEVER shuts up. 

Ok well that about it

Natly  

High School

So I always thought I had the friends that wouldn't change in high school. We were ganna be together for like all of us together. But that was a middle school dream. Adam and Jessi be came more then friends, then Erin left the lunch table permanently, Me and Evona are becoming better friends and Trevor's becoming a friend to all of us. 

Were changing, some would say maturing, but idk that the exact concept of that word would work for this change. We no longer are so mean we are be coming more caring to each other, not so many insults that are random. We are more open if we think of a idea we share it and family relationships are told. We no longer fight over who sits where we kind of just sit and talk and share ideas, thoughts, and food. We've gotten used to sitting with only 5 people it was odd at first as Erin used to put it the table was uneven lol. Now it seems normal. Rouster has been becoming more and more involved in our lunch. So its not that off set. 

Today Trevor stole my lunch box (I found it after it went missing for 3 days it was as Jessi suggested under my bed lol) then he smacked me in the face with it so i smacked him in the face with my hand lol. Then I started talking and it did it again the we fought over whether or not i got to hit him back. I did when he wasnt expecting it and it was funny. We went and sang Happy Birthday to Ryan at lunch and he was all red lol it was funny. 

We got our school pictures back and idk about mine. My moms trying to get me to give wallet sizes out to my friends but idk that kinda wierd. I'll bring it up at lunch.

We had chair tests and I got a 16, I'm not last chair. 

My quilting thing is in a week exactly idk whos coming only like 3 people that I'm sure of lol. Its ganna be great lol

Ok well I'm tierd if you look before this post theres the short story.

Luv Y'all

Nat

Baby Brother

She fell to her knees in the deserted cemetery. She pounded her weak fists on the cold muddy soil. She let out a loud sob and more salty tears ran down her numb pink checks. Why she thought, why him. Out of all the people there, why was he the one not to get away fast enough. He had so much life left to live, so many dreams to fulfill, so many memories to gain.

 

            A crack of thunder sounded and she began to shake. She thought of how much he cared for not only her but everything. Everything brought up a story for him, he was never silent. Not even in his sleep, he would mumble about becoming that football star he wanted to be so bad. The little uniform he put together with his hammy down jerseys, sweat pants, and tube socks.

 

            All the memories of him got the best of her and she fell limp to the wet October ground. Rolling to her back she laid there and felt the cool drizzle of rain touch her face. Closing her eyes she brought back a memory of him splashing in a puddle no bigger then what’s left on the bathroom floor after a shower. He had found so much joy in watching the water spread in all different directions. She remembered scolding him for getting his shoes muddy before school. Now she regretted making him stop when she should have joined him.

 

            Slowly she climbed back up to her knees and softly rubbed her hand against the moist grave stone. She felt the indentation of the date he died on the headstone. A day that would too be indented into her mind, a morning that would never leave her memory no matter how long she lived. He had tried his best to behave that week and his reward was getting to go to the high school football game on Saturday. He was up until nearly eleven the night before making sure his imitation uniform was perfect. He never got to go to that game. His love for that damn football prevented him from making it there.

 

            The drizzling rain became heavy drops and they began to form puddles in random spots around her. The filling of the puddles was just like how his life filled hers and so many others. His voice was known by many. Anyone that met him knew they would never meet anyone else with that level of enthusiasm. The littlest things thrilled him. Like the day he discovered ‘toe jam’. The little fuzz balls that stay between your toes when you take your socks off. He had everyone in the house take off their socks and he checked for ‘toe jam’. If he found some he would jump back in surprise and announce it happily to everyone what color it was.

 

            She heard leaves crunching behind her. Someone was coming down the path. For a second a thought crossed her mind of what she must look like but she soon forgot about it. She didn’t care about it. She didn’t care about anything anymore. He had put a light at the end of her tunnel of darkness. But now it was gone, she didn’t seem to have anything happy to look forward to. His death proved that the world was a horrible place.

 

            “Thank God!” A relived male voice sounded from behind her. “I called your mom and she said she hadn’t seen you, and your dad said he thought you were with me, so did your friends. I never would have guessed you would be here.” She just ignored him. Part of the reason she was here was to get away from him. He just brought back more memories.

 

            “What made you change you mind about coming back here? You had sworn you would never come back here after his…” She just shrugged lightly. He knew not to press any further.

 

            He could only imagine how much she must miss him. He knew how much he missed the little guy, it was much worse for her. That boy was a live spirit. He was not ADD or ADHD, he just loved life and being active. He remembered going to their house a little over a year ago. She had warned him that her brother was hyper but he figured it was just her. But he was wrong, that little guy attached his hip and they spent hours were each other out. He would never let the memory go of sitting in their living room one night with that little speed demon draped a crossed his lap, sleeping. He looked so much like her, the nose that was a perfect shape and those hazel eyes. They two things he adored in her were laying in his lap on another little being.

 

            A single teat ran down his check. He made no action to hide it. He knew she would not thing of his as any less macho.

 

“I just miss his [i]so[/i] much,” She sobbed. “Every minute, of every hour, I can’t get over the fact that he’s no longer in this world!”

 

“A part of me wants to lie to you and tell you it will get better. But I have that same feeling and it doesn’t seem to be fading,” She looked up at him. She discovered that he too was crying. This caused her to loose her breath for a second. She was not the only one grieving, though it did seem like it at home. He had done something other than try and tame the boy. He had ran with him, he had embraced that happiness that the little guy brought to life.

 

            He too sank to his knees landing in front of her. He wrapped his arms around her, it was something he had wanted to do long before he baby brother had asked if they were dating. She returned the gesture by sinking into his chest and sobbing on to his shirt. He didn’t even think about it. They were both went and muddy from the rain.

 

She felt so good in his arms. She wanted to stay that way forever and never have to leave and face the world of people and their sympathy. All of them are the same, with that same look on there faces. A flash of the week before came to her mind, when everything was normal. He had wanted to have the same exact lunch as her. She had talked him out of it. She didn’t want him to be the same she wanted him to be different. But now she would give anything for him to be the same as her in everyway, as long as one of those ways was being alive. She just wanted him here. For he little baby brother to be alive, to be the wild little 6 year old again.

 

“I love you,” He whispered into her ear. She went limp in his arm like a rag doll. The spontaneous ‘I love you’ was what made her lover her baby brother so much, but he was gone now all she has now is the love of her life. She hadn’t seen it before now but that is what this strong male wrapped around her was to her, the love of her life.

 

“I love you more,” she replied, he knew from countless nights over at their house that that was the way she had responded to her brother.

 

He lifted her jaw up and softly placed his lips to hers. Suddenly she saw a new light at the end of the tunnel.

 

ONE DAY

OMG bails coming tomorrow and i can't even type. I'm so hyper!!!!

Lifes good yepp.

I don't really feel like writing anything special over christmas I will. Uh...

Spanish project due Wensday.  Its almost done and it looks AWESOME

I also have a LA paper due tomorrow and I just put the final touches on it and I'll plug it in tomorrow when we type it and print it out. God then I'll have to read all hour. Maybe me and evona could go to the library and read lol. like we would do much reading and were goody goodys so the librarian will just let us have our fun. 

Im making a christmas list. So far I have A printer, DC's, and i'm looking for a hoodie cuz i really want a name brand one.

So I've been goin back  and forth between the rat and Trevor. Idk I'm just weird. I was listening to Sk8ter Boi and I was like if my skater boy asked me out I would not say no lol, some guys look goos in baggy clothes lol and screw what my friends think i would not do what that song says.

 Well I guess thats kind long lol yea right

Love Y'all

NAT