Saturday, May 23

Who Did It

In my last post who know how long ago, I told someone to pinch me. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I want to a have talk with the little fucker who actually did. Because I woke up and now its hell. You can't even tell that we even knew each other. And the hardest part, the part that drives me over the edge on this whole thing, the part that ticks away at me, its that its all I can think about. I hate to talk about it cuz I don't want people to know that what I think about cuz its been like 3 weeks and I need to just get over it. But its so hard. He cut me off cold turkey. Okay maybe not cuz there were those 3 weeks were he must have been easing me off him, preparing me for that Sunday morning that he make a big fuckin mark on how I'll remember Freshman year. I'm pretty much over it, there's just so many unanswered questions and its like were dead to each other. Like we can feel each others presents but we would feel crazy actually talking to each other. I lost a best friend and it kills me to see him alone. I just wish I could read his mind. I know it sounds stupid and self centered but I sometimes wonder if he a) feels guilty for doing it or b) regrets breaking up with me. I know they're both totally not possible. I just miss him sometimes... like when I look over and he's standing all along like at time where he used to be over with me with his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder. Over the hug and accessional kiss goodbye. I'm a crazy stalker...I know I have problems. I have counted 3 times where I have actually bit my tongue from trying to talk to him. I think I'm just scared of being rejected by him again. I don't think I could keep a happy face if he didn't talk back. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I miss those nights where he held me tight and me both let out a breath as who ever came to check on us left, then fell on to each other smiling about how close we came to being caught. I have come to the conclusion that after I've thought about all the memories at least once then I will be over him... I've got a long ways to go. I know I'm going on about this but this is my way of venting what I've been thinking about and if you have a problem then just click a link and don't read this anymore.


I'm crazy. I'm a stalker. I notice things I shouldn't. I hear conversations I shouldn't. I answer questions that I shouldn't. I do tons of little stupid things I shouldn't. I'm finding my self becoming a bitch that is very bitchy. I have high highs and low lows. I can be all jumpy and happy then I remember somthing I messed up or jacked up or notice something that reminds me of him and then I'll bitch you out if you fuck with me. I'm also like super jumpy. Like a little noises and actions, my head with flash in that direction.  I'm changing all the time.

I gave up eating anything with a sugar content <6.>

We go a hamster. Its a robot dwarf. My brother named it Cynthia. Its cute.

I'm getting tiered and starting to write 4 wrote sentences so I'm ganna bring this to a close. Night.

1 comments:

Erin said...

Oh Natalie, you're not a stalker. :(